Confidence Isn't a Trait—It's a Relationship

This post may contain affiliate links to resources I personally use and love. If you choose to purchase through them, I may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you. I only recommend what aligns with my values. This post is not medical or psychological advice—just soulful inspiration to support your journey.

Why you're not broken... even when you feel like you are.

"You don't have to feel confident to start. You just have to be brave enough to begin." - Zig Zigler

For a long time, I thought something was fundamentally wrong with me.

I saw confident women as a different species—born bolder, shinier, more fearless. I believed they had some magical gene I'd missed out on, some unshakeable inner knowing that I clearly lacked.

And because I felt nervous, hesitant, or insecure? I assumed I was broken.

I spent years thinking confidence was like height—you either had it or you didn't. Some people were just naturally blessed with self-assurance while the rest of us were doomed to fake it till we (hopefully) made it.

Until I realized something that changed everything: Confidence isn't something you're born with. It's something you build—moment by moment, choice by choice, breath by breath.

More importantly, confidence isn't a personality trait you either possess or lack. It's a relationship. In fact- It's a relationship with yourself.

🌀 Confidence Grows in Spirals, Not Straight Lines

Most of us expect confidence to arrive like a sudden software download: 💥 One day, we'll wake up ready, fearless, and unstoppable.

But that's not how the brain—or the nervous system—actually works.

Research by psychologist Albert Bandura, who coined the term "self-efficacy" (the foundation of confidence), shows that confidence is built through what he calls "mastery experiences"—small moments of succeeding at something, even when it's hard.

According to psychology and neuroscience, confidence is formed through repetition, safety, and self-trust. It grows like a spiral:

1. You try something new (even though you're scared)

2. You wobble (because that's what humans do)

3. You reflect and try again (gathering evidence about your resilience)

4. You build proof that you can do hard things

5. Eventually, you trust yourself to figure it out

Studies show that this spiral pattern is how all sustainable confidence develops. Each time you show up—even imperfectly—you're literally rewiring your brain to believe in your capability.

The research is clear: people who view confidence as a skill to develop (rather than a fixed trait) show significantly more growth and resilience than those who believe you're either "born confident" or not.

🧠 The Science Behind Your Confidence "Blocks"

If you've ever frozen before posting that thing, pitching that idea, or pressing record on that video...

If you've ever thought, "Who am I to do this?" or felt like a fraud about to be exposed...

You're not alone. And you're definitely not broken.

This response isn't a character flaw—it's your nervous system trying to protect you from what it perceives as social rejection, which our brains still process as a threat to survival.

Here's what's actually happening in your brain:

Your amygdala (fear center) is doing its job. When we've experienced shame, criticism, or rejection in the past, our brain stores those memories as data about what's "safe." Then, when we attempt something that could make us visible or vulnerable, our nervous system flares up with anxiety—not to sabotage us, but to keep us "safe" from potential emotional harm.

Your inner critic activates. Research shows that the voice saying "you're not ready" or "you're not qualified" is actually a protection mechanism trying to prevent future embarrassment or rejection.

Impostor syndrome kicks in. Studies reveal that 70% of people experience impostor syndrome, and it's actually more common among high achievers. The better you get at something, the more likely you are to feel like you don't deserve your success.

But here's the truth neuroscience reveals: You're safe now. And every aligned action you take tells your nervous system a new story.

Research on neuroplasticity shows that we can literally rewire these protective patterns by consistently taking small, brave actions from a regulated nervous system state.

✨ Confidence Isn't Loud—It's Honest

We often mistake confidence for charisma or extroversion. We think it has to look like the person who speaks first in meetings, takes up space unapologetically, or never seems to second-guess themselves.

But true confidence? It's softer than that. Research on authentic confidence versus performative confidence shows some fascinating differences:

Authentic confidence is:

• Quietly saying "yes" to yourself, even when others might not understand

• Making decisions that align with your values and energy, not external expectations

• Showing up consistently, even when no one's watching or applauding

• Being honest about what you don't know while trusting your ability to figure it out

• Moving forward with uncertainty rather than waiting for guarantees

Performative confidence is:

• Needing to be the loudest voice in the room to feel valuable

• Making decisions based on how they'll look to others

• Only showing up when you're guaranteed to succeed

• Pretending to know things you don't to avoid appearing weak

• Waiting for perfect certainty before taking action

Studies show that people with authentic confidence report higher life satisfaction, better relationships, and more sustainable success than those operating from performative confidence.

You don't have to be fearless. You just have to trust that you can move forward, even while afraid.

The Relationship Revelation That Changes Everything

Here's the breakthrough that shifted everything for me: Confidence isn't a thing you have—it's a relationship you cultivate.

Just like any relationship, it requires:

Trust - believing in your ability to handle whatever comes up
Communication - listening to your inner wisdom and honoring what it tells you
Consistency - showing up for yourself even when you don't feel like it
Forgiveness - being gentle with yourself when you mess up
Growth - allowing yourself to evolve and try new things

Research on self-compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff shows that people who treat themselves with kindness during setbacks recover faster and show more resilience than those who are self-critical.

When you start treating confidence like a relationship rather than a personality trait, everything changes. You stop asking "Why am I not confident?" and start asking "How can I show up for myself today?"

🔁 The Practice That Shifted Everything for Me

The biggest transformation in my confidence journey came when I stopped waiting to feel ready and started embodying the version of me who already trusted herself.

That looked like:

🌱 Nervous System First: Taking 3 deep breaths before responding to any fear-based thought, instead of letting anxiety drive my decisions

🌱 Evidence Gathering: Journaling what I did accomplish each day instead of fixating on what I didn't, building a database of my own competence

🌱 Energy Protection: Choosing rest over guilt when my body asked for it, proving to myself that I could trust my own needs

🌱 Inner Dialogue Shift: Talking to myself like someone I genuinely believed in, the way I'd speak to my best friend facing the same challenge

🌱 Micro-Courage: Taking one small brave action daily, even if it was just wearing the shirt that made me feel good or speaking up once in a meeting

And every time I repeated these little acts of self-trust, my confidence caught up. Not because I suddenly became fearless, but because I was building evidence that I could be afraid and still take care of myself.

Research on habit formation shows that these small, consistent actions are more effective for building long-term confidence than sporadic big gestures or waiting for motivation to strike.

🧘♀️ Try This: Nervous System Reconnect Ritual

Before your next brave step, try this research-backed tool for regulating your nervous system:

Box Breathing (4-4-4-4 Pattern):

• Inhale for 4 seconds

• Hold for 4 seconds

• Exhale for 4 seconds

• Hold for 4 seconds

• Repeat 3-4 cycles

This technique activates your parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest mode) and has been shown in studies to reduce cortisol levels, lower blood pressure, and improve emotional regulation within minutes.

Why this works: You can't build authentic confidence from a stressed-out, survival-mode place. Confidence grows from a regulated nervous system that feels safe to try new things and make mistakes.

After your breathing practice, place one hand on your heart and ask: "What would love do right now?" Then trust whatever comes up.

📝 Journal Prompts That Build Self-Trust

Daily Evidence Collection:
"What's one thing I did today that I can appreciate myself for?" (This trains your brain to notice your competence instead of your shortcomings)

Future Self Wisdom:
"What would I do today if I trusted myself just 5% more?" (This bypasses perfectionism and focuses on small, doable growth)

Relationship Check-In:
"How did I show up for myself today? How can I show up for myself tomorrow?" (This reinforces the idea that confidence is an ongoing relationship, not a destination)

Fear Reframe:
"What is this fear trying to protect me from? What would I need to feel safe taking this step?" (This helps you work with fear instead of against it)

Don't wait for perfect confidence. Start with honesty. Start with softness. Start with you.

The Plot Twist About "Readiness"

Here's something that will change how you think about taking action forever: Research shows that confidence follows action, not the other way around.

We think we need to feel confident before we try something new, but studies reveal that the act of trying something new—even imperfectly—is what builds confidence.

Dr. Amy Cuddy's research on "power posing" showed that when people adopted confident body language for just two minutes, their testosterone increased and cortisol decreased, making them feel more confident and perform better in high-stakes situations.

The implication is profound: you can literally act your way into confidence by taking the actions a confident person would take, even before you feel ready.

This doesn't mean fake it till you make it—it means trust that the feeling will follow the action, not the other way around.

💛 Ready to Deepen This Work?

Building a trusting relationship with yourself is ongoing work, and you don't have to do it alone:

🌀 The Quantum Leap Course teaches you how to shift into the version of you who already trusts herself—without force, fear, or burnout. You'll learn to work with your nervous system instead of against it.

📓 The LTS Journal: Know is your daily tool for remembering who you are and practicing self-trust with simple, doable prompts that build evidence of your own wisdom.

🎧 Or catch the full story on the LTS Daily Podcast—because sometimes the reminder you need is just one episode away.

💬 Let's Keep Talking...

What's one moment this week where you chose yourself—even when it felt scary? What would it look like to treat your relationship with yourself with the same care you give your closest friendships?

Come share with me on Instagram → [@lovethyselfies]

Because confidence isn't built in isolation. It's born in the mirror and nurtured in community.

You're not behind. You're not broken. You're not missing some confidence gene that everyone else got.

You're becoming. And that's exactly where you're supposed to be.

With you in the spiral,
xo, Melissa

References

• Bandura, A. (1977). Self-efficacy: Toward a unifying theory of behavioral change. Psychological Review, 84(2), 191-215.
  
  

• Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101.
  
  

• Cuddy, A. J., Wilmuth, C. A., Yap, A. J., & Carney, D. R. (2015). Preparatory power posing affects nonverbal presence and job interview performance. Journal of Applied Psychology, 100(4), 1286-1295.
  
  

• Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.
  
  

• Clance, P. R., & Imes, S. A. (1978). The imposter phenomenon in high achieving women: Dynamics and therapeutic intervention. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research & Practice, 15(3), 241-247.
  
  

• Ma, X., Yue, Z. Q., Gong, Z. Q., Zhang, H., Duan, N. Y., Shi, Y. T., ... & Li, Y. F. (2017). The effect of diaphragmatic breathing on attention, negative affect and stress in healthy adults. Frontiers in Psychology, 8, 874.